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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29341863">Now and Not Yet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/desolatemoondust/pseuds/desolatemoondust'>desolatemoondust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, a little happy, a little sad, just a small moment, one day at a time</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:46:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,356</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29341863</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/desolatemoondust/pseuds/desolatemoondust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There's something to be said for knowing nothing lasts forever. It's a concept she has danced with since she was young, when she first met Death in the sudden absence of her father. It was present in the loss of innocence and youth, and garnering newfound truths from living at home with an absent, intoxicated mother.<br/>It was in watching her best friend grow, and take the form of her boyfriend - and then fiancé, until finally, a perfect stranger.<br/>It's in the life she curated, and could never keep, for the underbelly of her true self would not remain hidden, and so ruptured all that which took years to build and seemlessly shatter in a matter of moments.</p>
<p>Nothing truly lasts. </p>
<p>And so, when she ran, she knew more than most. </p>
<p>And yet, she knew less than she thought.</p>
<p>Because who could have calculated her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dani Clayton/Jamie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Now and Not Yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="userstuff">
  <p>There's something to be said for knowing nothing lasts forever. It's a concept she has danced with since she was young, when she first met Death in the sudden absence of her father. It was present in the loss of innocence and youth, and garnering newfound truths from living at home with an absent, intoxicated mother.<br/>It was in watching her best friend grow, and take the form of her boyfriend - and then fiancé, until finally, a perfect stranger.<br/>It's in the life she curated, and could never keep, for the underbelly of her true self would not remain hidden, and so ruptured all that which took years to build and seemlessly shatter in a matter of moments.</p>
  <p>Nothing truly lasts. </p>
  <p>And so, when she ran, she knew more than most. </p>
  <p>And yet, she knew less than she thought.</p>
  <p>Because who could have calculated <em>her</em>.</p>
  <p>She was prepared for the unknown, towing a ghost along on her adventures. Accustomed to the fact she would be followed for all her life long - unable to shed the weight of baggage of which she sowed. It seemed fitting, almost. She had been his whole life, and in return, he would haunt hers.</p>
  <p>The meeting with Henry was met with some desperation to anchor herself. She had gone over and over her resume; her research, strengths and weaknesses, practicing until she had no energy left to offer. She needed something to give, a purpose - for her visit to become more than a respite from the howling noise which beckoned her return from the cables of a phonebooth.</p>
  <p>Getting the job as an au pair, it was a stepping stone. A way to make a difference, not only in her life, but to those she would care for. It was a way to apply all the years of being a teacher, and all her attention into two little beings which she could help nurture through a difficult time, and maybe, make their days a little easier. </p>
  <p>The people she met, those with warm eyes and kind smiles, she did not factor would have such an everlasting impact. Especially of all, amongst the adults, her. </p>
  <p>And a lot can be said for everything that happened in such a short time frame, that really is condensed into a matter of weeks of her existence - however it is a chapter that demands care and reverence. </p>
  <p>"Hey."</p>
  <p>Her eyes remain closed, though she can sense her close. Can feel the weight of her gaze, even though she can not feel her just yet. </p>
  <p>There are times when she thinks back to Bly Manor, and it's <em>a lot</em>. A lot to process, even to this day, years down the line. There's a wail inside which is unholy, and it cries out, yearning to be heard. And she's so damn tired some days, and how unjust is that? How is it-</p>
  <p>"Dani."</p>
  <p>She opens her eyes to see her. </p>
  <p>She always tries to see her, and when she does, is always grounded by her presence. </p>
  <p>No longer tangled in the past, reliving the turmoil of before, during, and after, not when she is here, right now. Only they are never truly alone, the two of them - there is a rage within that cannot be quantified, and it scares her in a way that when she knew nothing lasts forever, she was a guest witnessing how time can alter all things real; now she is a prisoner watching her life wilter in the face of despair. </p>
  <p>Some days are heavy, others are manageable, lighter. </p>
  <p>Today is not a good day. </p>
  <p>Her mind is spiralling and her history is hers and yet it's not solely, wholly true now, as it's controlled in ways she can't ever claw back from.</p>
  <p>"You're here."</p>
  <p>"Jamie."</p>
  <p>"You're here, okay? You're right here." She nods instinctively, wanting her to be right and also feeling her body react viscerally, because that's what being with Jamie has done - it has made her be here, now; has always ellicited such a feeling, right from the start. </p>
  <p>She watches Jamie ever so slowly place the palm of her hand down onto the bed, and somehow it severs the space in-between them, as they lay side by side. She can't help but move closer and reach out with her hand, watching their fingers entwine with ease. The action is real, it's them. </p>
  <p>
    <em>Nothing lasts, this won't last. She won't let them have this forever, and it will hurt. The day it comes, it will hurt.</em>
  </p>
  <p>"It's snowing again."</p>
  <p>Jamie nestles into the pillow, her trestles cascading as she glances past her to the window and she wants this to last forever. This inconsequential, little moment. She soaks in the faint smile on Jamie's lips, and she knows, no matter what, she will fight to remain here forever. </p>
  <p>This is home. This is life. This is them.</p>
  <p>"I love you, Jamie."</p>
  <p>It's delicate and palpable and she's so close to shattering because her love is boundless. </p>
  <p>She is slow to register Jamie's response, feeling fingers squeeze reassuringly, centering her to this bed, to this body, setting her free in a way she will never be able to express. Jamie's attention soon returns, and with her, her ability to breathe again. She can only blink with unbridled adoration as Jamie brings their clasped hands to her lips, pressing a tender kiss upon contact.</p>
  <p>"I love you too, so much - <em>too</em> much, it's actually quite nauseating how much." The laugh is light and barely there, but it bubbles out of her. </p>
  <p>"Oh yeah?"</p>
  <p>"Yeah, even Doris is starting to cower because all I do is talk her leaf off every waking moment: <em>Dani this, Dani that</em>." She can't help the true chortle that comes out now, as she imagines the chlorophytum comosum just minding it's business in the kitchen, completely unawares before receiving an verbal onslaught.</p>
  <p>"She understands though, and gets paid in heathy doses of H20 and natural sunlight. Girl has the best spot out of all of the kids, actually."</p>
  <p>"I thought Ruth had the best spot, did you lie to me?" She wouldn't admit to this, but she silently lives for the moments where Jamie backpedals - for they are infrequent and uncharacteristically not her - but proves entirely enarmouring all the same. Especially when her eyes grow large and she can't maintain eye contact until she gets some semblence of herself back under wraps.</p>
  <p>"Na, I just meant in the kitchen. Ruth over there has the best spot in the bedroom, well, besides us, that is." She exaggerates a pout, turning her neck to look over her shoulder at the windowsill to her dear plant which she recently came into ownership of. When she turns back to look at Jamie, a warmth spreads through her chest, and blossoms throughout her being to form a smile. </p>
  <p>She can tell Jamie is having a moment, too. </p>
  <p>"There it is." </p>
  <p>"What?" </p>
  <p>"Nothing." She watches Jamie shake her head and lean forward, pressing her lips to her forehead. </p>
  <p>"You missed."</p>
  <p>"Oh, I did, did I?"</p>
  <p>"Yes." She can feel the way her lips curl on her skin, gifting peace which cannot be matched, for it's touch for touch's sake. A languid, beautiful move which should exist forever, too, only because she wants to remain in the moments she has with Jamie. All the beautiful, small moments which make up this love.</p>
  <p>Each and every one of them deserves to be cherished. It burns bright in her, like no other love has, or ever will. And she wants to keep it.</p>
  <p>Wants for this to be hers, <em>theirs</em>, forever untarnished.</p>
  <p>"Please." </p>
  <p>Forever is finite, but <em>can</em> be dealt in life, it can - if only it is born. If only it is given and reciprocated and known. One day at a time, building up and remembering and witnessing and holding and sharing. </p>
  <p>"You're here, Poppins."</p>
  <p>Jamie withdraws only to come back, consuming her sight, her touch, her soul. Her lips breathing and exhaling and moving against hers. </p>
  <p>"You're here."</p>
  <p>Nothing lasts forever, she knows this. </p>
  <p>However, she can last - <em>she</em> can, it is possible, in <em>her</em>. </p>
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